Dear Gochi,
This is going to be one of the hardest letters to write. I am torn by many emotions. They all come from unknown directions. Yesterday, I had a meeting at one of the corporate buildings. I walked there with great enthusiasm. Not because of the meeting but because of the chance to see her again. She works at that building. As I approached the huge glass construction at noon people were pouring out to get some lunch. I thought she would also come out. I did not enter the gate and stood there. Waited for 30 minutes. Not in despair but in a hopeful state. I cannot recognize myself. What is happening to me? Why am I lost in such a bad way?
What is it that I am waiting for? What is she going to give me? My good old times or new times that I can no longer think about on my own.
For 30 minutes straight I anticipated her coming outside and me seeing her face. God, I love how she smiles. This smile makes me go back to times when I was not ruined by this life and its endless terms. Her smile is so warm and effortless. She is not aware of it.
I counted faces coming in and out of the place. None was hers. It was time for me to enter and proceed with my meeting. I sat down with the HR head of a big company. We talked and the hour ended. I left that building and did not look back.
Hoping sucks. You hope and it never happens. Doing is the best. I will do something about her. I think I will call her and end this torture. I am so afraid of my trembling voice. I am already second guessing about her reaction. Is she going to do what you did to me? You remember how you felt my despair and decided not to meet me because you damn knew that if you met me it would get deeper between us and you would never go back to who you were before me.
Now, I am afraid of her reaction. She is a bit different from you. She is a bit more stoic than you are. She has seen many difficulties in life. I am not confident about good things that happened to her. I mean I am not sure about her reaction to something good that happens. Usually such people try to avoid happiness because it is convenient for them to live in a state where pain is a default.
I understand the complexity of our situation. On the other hand, I feel that it is me overdramatizing things. Maybe I am not doing it this time. I want to take it slow. I want to live my life the way it was before her. But it is so hard. I see her image anywhere I go. It is hard for me to get it off my chest.
Funny thing is that I don’t really want to get her out of my chest. I want her to stay there forever. Or maybe for 3 years until my body’s water cycle will reset and I will physiologically neglect her presence.
This letter is hard because she is the “new” part of my life. As you know when new comes old suffers and even gets destroyed. I can only imagine all the bridges that I will need to burn if she decides to join me in my journey. I can only imagine the pain I will cause in the hearts of those that have no idea about her.
It is difficult because she may reject me and let me stand in front of all the buildings of this cruel world. I may end up waiting for someone that will never leave the door of that building.
I should think less about it and more about things I can do to stay sane. But then comes Rumi and tells me that I need no dignity and respect. I need love and being drunk and loving someone else.
I wish I could talk to you and get a clear perspective on my next step. Until then my head and heart are deeply preoccupied with her.
I am constantly speculating and hoping.
I am waiting for something that has no name.
